This was all pretty exasperating even before they brought St. Olaf’s Woman of the Year into it. Then it became fucking infuriating. Do not blaspheme the great Betty White, you slobbering cockwombles. Now it’s personal.
According to the unruly horde of crowdsourcing conspiracy theorists Borgin’ their way across the internets, Betty White died because she got a COVID-19 booster shot. Because a 99-year-old woman dying in her sleep is always pretty suspicious; perhaps one of her cats has Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
Following the death of Betty White on December 31, 2021, viral posts circulated claiming that she had gotten her coronavirus booster shot only three days prior to her passing, with several implying the vaccine played a role in her death.
Many of the posts include a screenshot of a quote from White, saying: “Eat healthy and get your vaccines. I got my booster today.” The quote is allegedly from an article published on the website of CrowRiverMedia, which was based on an interview White did with People Magazine. Neither piece includes a reference to White getting her booster shot and there’s no record of her ever saying the quote in question. White’s agent, Jeff Witjas, said in a statement to People that White “died peacefully in her sleep at her home.” No further details about her passing have been released, other than police noting that her death appeared to be of natural causes with no evidence of foul play.
No evidence of foul play? You mean George Soros and Dr. Anthony Fauci weren’t draining White’s blood to feed their surging army of genetically modified, nanobot-enhanced COVID-19 bats?
Ah, but the Betty White conspiracy theory is nothing compared to this hearty pre-Christmas slice of fruitcake. Los Angeles Chargers tight end Donald Parham Jr. suffered a concussion in a recent game, which is a shame; of course we all send our thoughts and ineffectual prayers for his recovery, which, in Parham’s words, does seem to be coming along.
But one thing I certainly won’t be praying for is for Parham’s heart to un-explode.
Los Angeles Chargers’ Donald Parham Jr.’s heart did not explode as he was suspended in mid-air attempting a catch. The player suffered a concussion after he fell to the ground and he has since been discharged from hospital. His injury was in no way linked to his COVID-19 vaccination status.
One video shared on BitChute (here), which has amassed more than 23,000 views, shows the incident in which the Tight End was knocked out. It has the headline: “Donald Parham (COVID-Vax heart stopper moment?) in full touch down air.”
Granted, the hit looked bad—really bad—but it didn’t look “exploding heart” bad.
And is “exploding heart” even listed on the VAERS database as a COVID-19 vaccine side effect? Let’s tidy up our conspiracy theories now, shall we?
I’ve seen preliminary reports and speculation that the omicron variant could end this pandemic, or at least drive it to a new, endemic phase. That would be fantastic, but it’s far too early to declare any kind of victory given the butcher’s bill that still arrives at our doorstep daily.
In the meantime, the vaccine remains our greatest hope. Even as the highly transmissible omicron variant spreads among the vaccinated, it’s mostly protecting them from serious outcomes. Nothing as serious as an exploding heart, of course, but those shots are keeping people out of the ICU and the boneyard.
So, please, anti-vaxxers: Keep Betty White (and injured football players) out of your gruesome death fantasies. It’s really the only decent thing to do.
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